I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
