Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
