Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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