K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
