Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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