Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
