fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
