Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
