He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You are a genius and a whore.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
