I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm really busy with my period
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