Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize