3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Drake has all the answers
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
