Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Come see our sink grown plant.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
