are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
