Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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