Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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