It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
