I think i sorta joined a cult last night
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
