I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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