how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
