Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
