My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
