I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
