I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
