my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
