Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
