so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
