my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
