I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize