dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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