Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
