I faked an abortion last night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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