I am spending my child support on dildos
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
