I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
