Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
