My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
