So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
