How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
