I can feel you judging me through the phone.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
