I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
