my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize