I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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