Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
tell me about the eggs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
