I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
