She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
