Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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