is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
