I just made out with a guy for $7.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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