she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
