I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
