i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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