Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
