i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
