i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
