Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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