she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
