Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
