My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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