There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
